I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
