If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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