just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
