The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Enjoy the penises
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
