the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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