i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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