Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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