she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
