We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
as a side note pls kill me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
