Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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