I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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