I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
