first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
