at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
