Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
