I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
