either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
