Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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