just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
