It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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