I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
