is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
