when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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