Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
