i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
