My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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