I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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