last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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