Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
