so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
