Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
