yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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