Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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