Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
