I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
