ya dads aren't the best wingmen
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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