I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
