I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
