I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Randomize
