I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
