I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
