for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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