got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize