So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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