did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
