I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
