You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
