This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
