Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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