i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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