i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
