there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize