I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
