Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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