Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
