I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
